The Truth About Cats
by kohmaru
Summary: Someone's caught with their pants down and predictably chaos ensues.Curiousity can kill more then cats. no cats were harmed in the writing of this ficrated for insinuations
1. While the Cat's away

**Part the First: While the Cat's Away…

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****Disclaimer:** Not mine- don't sue.

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In the far distant future it was possible he would be able to look back on the whole thing with a detached sense of being and laugh. Yes in some respects it was funny, in the way that multi car collisions with many casualties could in some ways be considered 'funny'. But since he was from an era bereft of cars and therefore multi-car pile-ups the comparison was hardly appropriate. Suffice it to say far far in the future, far removed from the present place and time, from the perspective of a sick twisted individual the whole thing could have been considered funny.

As it was not the far distant future, the situation was not funny. The situation being more akin to moments of such horrific proportions that they play out in a sort of jerky slow motion replete with stop frame, zoom and repeat- these situations most often accompanying the moments where you are either about to be killed or are about to do the killing; this being a 'situation' of the latter rather then the former.

Never in his life had he ever imagined something akin to this occurring. That he would be on his way to 'protect' Kagome whilst she bathed in a hot spring…er that is to say meditate a safe respectable distance from the hot spring, as his calling dictated.

No never in his wildest fantasies would he ever imagine anything even remotely similar…

Well that is to say 'never' is such a tricky word. Never; what does a word like that really mean? So perhaps never was in fact the wrong word, perhaps by never he meant at least once a day, sometimes twice, often more then three times, er umm possibly closer to ten. And if not for the slight case of carpal tunnel syndrome he was developing from 'excessive' repetitive actions that figure may have been higher still.

But that was different.

That was just 'imagining' not real life. And the lighting was all wrong and where were all the cute outfits and the honey. WHAT ABOUT THE HONEY… For Kami-sama's sake! Oh the humanity.

Um, er that is to say…

He could not believe his eyes; primarily for two reasons. The first being his minds insistence that because the sight before him was of such a ludicrous nature the only rational explanation that could possibly explain anything was the widely known and highly maligned idea that certain activities, as well as causing carpal tunnel syndrome, could cause blindness. Yes blindness and an over active imagination could certainly explain away…well 'THAT". The other explanation involving karmic retribution was slightly less appealing then blindness, defiantly his second choice.

Because things like this just did not happen in real life. Not to HIM and not to HER! Where in the world was the justice in that- karma be damned?!

Who wouldn't be pissed!? Who I ask you, WHO! Nobody that's who!!

Ah this is getting just a bit confusing, perhaps the beginning would be a more appropriate starting point.

Final thoughts from Shippou: _Just what in the world are you talking about? _

**Next Time: Part the Second: Curiosity killed the Cat **

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**A/N**- originally I was going to do this in 2 medium size chapters- but changed my mind to 3 (conflict, climax, resolution) shorter chapters. Chapter two should be complete by Tuesday and the final installment by next Saturday. 

Oh 2nd person point of view- somewhere an English professor is weeping.

Leaving a review would be oh so very nice of you


	2. Curiousity Killed the Cat

**Part the Second: Curiosity Killed the Cat  
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**Disclaimer: Fe Fi Fo Fum- Inuyasha's lots of fun…Fo fi Fum Fe- but he don't belong to me  
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Ah yes the beginning, to dispense with further confusion that truly should be our starting point.

In the beginning there was the Way- the way that can be named is not the eternal Way. The naming of the Way is the progenitor of 1001 things…however that is neither here nor there. Leaping forward and jumping a continent brings us to a much more suitable starting point.

Miroku stood just slightly off a well-worn path leading from the old miko Kaede's village to the surrounding countryside. More importantly a path that lead to a certain hot spring- that if his calculations were correct, which they almost certainly were- would be occupied by another certain miko from the future.

'The future?' you might ask. Yes that's right the future- or rather the present- which from Miroku's perspective is the future- but in the time it takes you to read this will in fact be the past, the recent past (mind you) not the far distant past. Ah all cleared up now.

So on this day Miroku stood just off the path contemplating his options.

Having recently returned to the village Inuyasha had left to 'scout' the area for 'threats', though if the presence of Kikyou's soul collectors were any indication, 'scout' was probably more like kiss and 'threat' was probably more like Kikyou…though threat was still accurate by even the loosest of definitions. Miroku conceded that there was a possibility, slight, as it was, that nothing more occurred during these rendezvous then an exchange of information; though good old common sense dictated that if you were going to be sneaky then it was probably because there was something to hide.

Ah yes common sense…hot spring…self-preservation…hot spring…duty and honor… HOTSPRING… Miroku contemplated his options closely.

Sango instead of joining Kagome at the spring was off doing whatever Sango did when she was alone. Miroku had his suspicions about this as well, most theories revolved around honing her taijiya skills – possibly just her Miroku repelling skills. It was a mystery to be sure.

Ah mystery…hot spring…alluring….hot spring.

After all a young girl had no business out naked by herself in the woods. Certainly he would be remise in his duties as a monk, nay a man, not to mention a friend if he left Kagome-sama so helplessly to her own devises. Mind you Miroku had only the purest of intentions. Surely meditating shouting distance from the spring would be sufficient to ensure the miko's safety. Miroku was always one to go above and beyond the call of duty, how could he ever forgive himself should something happen while on his watch. It was decided quickly that he should discretely hide himself in the bushes to keep vigil.

So with a strong sense of 'duty and honor' Miroku proceeded onward towards the hot spring with his thoughts once again turning to the miko he expected to find there. Kagome really was a lovely soul, both inside and out, and deserved all the happiness that could be afforded any individual person. Her love and devotion to her friends and particularly to Inuyasha was nothing short of astonishing. Within the short time Miroku had been with the two he could see a definite and marked change in the surly hanyou's attitude. It was impossible not to see the bond that they shared in spite of certain 'flaws'.

Their story was something akin to fairytale love. Like Othello and Desdemona… Romeo and Juliet… Hamlet and Ophelia… errr hmmm.

Ok, granted those didn't really have happy endings. But you get the idea…truly impossible romance made possible…a love that transcended time.

That's possibly the reason that Miroku was so shocked by what happened. Not the only reason, actually probably not even the main reason. And shocked was really such an understatement- apoplectic with fury was doubtless a better summation of his reaction

Karmic retribution, blindness…oh blindness never seemed such a sweet alternative. Really though it was hard to imagine what past sins he was repaying to be visited by such misfortune

Ah but you are still confused, it's to be expected after all.

So Miroku having come to the conclusion that Kagome was in dire need of protection whilst she bathed strode down the well-worn path from the old miko's village into the surrounding forest, it was at this time that he heard 'it'. 'It' being noises from behind a grove of trees just to the right of the path he was traversing.

What kind of noises you ask? Well… you know… _**"noises"**_.

"Ugnnnnn…" came a muffled moan on cue

That over there…

What? It's not like he could help that he was so innocently walking along, minding his own business, when he heard noises. You can't help that sort of thing.

You can't call a man a pervert just for hearing 'noises'. Miroku was highly misunderstood, it was the hand dammit, it had a mind of its own. Sigh.

Regardless Miroku had enough worldly experience, don't get the wrong idea- he's a monk after all, to be able to identify the sundry sounds, including the distinctive suppressed or muffles solo type that could qualify as 'noises'.

"Careful that hurts… ahhh."

Was not a phrase usually associated with the solo variety.

Had Shippou ever included Miroku in the pictures he so proudly displayed, most assuredly Miroku like Kagome would have been depicted as a cat.

"Mmmmm…"

NOW… hearing THAT in a relatively public place, Miroku's curiosity was piqued.

Assuredly you are thinking a regular person would and should have minded ones own business and kept on… but you have to admit it's not so cut and dry. Come on! That was just so careless. _SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! _Miroku had a moral obligation to fulfill here. Contrary to popular belief Miroku was very much against the corruption of innocent minds. So someone had to act as a lookout to make sure that never happened, right? Someone had to think of the children, the children…and wasn't it after all Miroku's duty as a monk.

All right…perhaps that wasn't the only reason. Perhaps recognition also played a roll. Miroku could have sworn he heard a 'keh' somewhere in that jumble of noises and really didn't that obligate him to investigate. But tell me, if you were in his position at that moment, would you find it easy to walk away from an opportunity to see their shocked and guilty faces upon realizing that they were caught?

"I…..sha…"

Hmph…I thought so.

Really Miroku could barely suppress his glee at the prospect of catching them in the act.

"…nnnn…"

"……"

Eh? Why did they stop? They can't be finished already. That's… so fast. Heh.Miroku couldn't help but smirk.

"Oh.Kami."

Miroku stopped at the sound of that. There was something in his tone that didn't quite sound right. Moving to a better vantage point Miroku could make out the familiar red hoari clad form slowly inching backwards, pale and wide-eyed in shock and looking nauseated. Even more shocking was the position he was backing away from; which, for all intents and purposes, appeared to land his head smack dab between his partner's legs. And for some reason, he genuinely looked ill. Miroku couldn't help but frown at that, "Inuyasha?"

Turning toward the sound of the monk's voice if it were even possible, he turned even paler.

"Oh…" His eyes glazing as he took a cautious step back.

Instinctively, Miroku, turned towards the frantic movements of his partner, still partially hidden from view. She fruitlessly arranged her kimono to once again cover the long expanse of her legs, which should have been a clue.

"Oh..." Was all Miroku could manage, in shock, upon realizing who it was.

'Oh' indeed, as if that wasn't the understatement of the year.

"Sango?"

She turned then with a look of shock and pain… and perhaps confusion. She opened her mouth as if to say…well something. She furrowed her brows as if searching for a hidden meaning looking first at a pale dazed Inuyasha and then at an equally pale Miroku, after a few moments seemed to grasp whatever it was she was searching for.

"Oh…" One beat of silence, two beats of silence, three…somewhere Henry Pinter was rolling over in his grave.

At this point, you could say Miroku's my mind went absolutely blank.

Just then two things happened simultaneously Inuyasha dropped to the ground in a dead faint and Miroku with barely suppressed fury fled into the forest.

The truth about cats, ladies and gentlemen, is they are inexplicably stupid.

"…damn."

Final thoughts from Kagome:

_Ehhh, what'd I miss??? _

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Next time: Part the third: You can't swing a dead cat…**

A/N Next time join me for the brave conclusion. Also this chapter was in no way proofread- I'll get around to that soon.

Reader response:

- Please don't cry- the first part was suppose to be confusing- now I hope it makes more sense.

- Repetitive actions that Miroku might engage in that can cause carpal tunnel syndrome and umm blindness…that he might engage in multiple times of day…while fantasizing…prayer and meditation of course… Miroku:"I'm a monk after all."

Please review.


	3. You Can't Swing a Dead Cat

**Part the third: You can't swing a dead cat…**

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Disclaimer: Inuyasha still doesn't belong to me…but all the bad puns do.

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In the vastness of the world there are an equally vast number of mysteries. In fact it might be safe to say that you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a mystery. However, people tend not to say things like that, really there is a dearth of conversation about dead cats in general; and besides a mystery is more of an abstract concept than something that can be hit with a cat, dead or otherwise. 

But at this place in time, which we have already established as the past, Miroku was neither concerned about mysteries or dead cats, dead dogs maybe- but I think we all know the logistical problems involved with swinging animals larger than cats. He was instead concerned with the images that had seemingly been seared into his retinas; in fact he was so preoccupied that he slammed face first into the low hanging limb of a tree, WUMP, breaking his nose in a painful shower of blood and bark.

Isn't that just the freaking icing on the cake, and really some days it just doesn't pay to be born.

Just about this time Kagome was setting a bar of soap on the rocks beside the hot spring when the loud WUPM of a large body colliding with a tree not 5 feet away startled her so badly that she unconsciously squeezed the wet bar with enough force to send it rocketing through the air at an incredible speed.

Right when Miroku was sure that short of his Kazaana opening and swallowing him whole, nothing else could possible top the misfortunes heaped upon him in a single hour, a bar of soap came whizzing through the air ricocheted off the tree to his left hitting him dead center in the middle of the forehead in such a way as to ooze soapy bubbles simultaneously into both eyes leaving him virtually blind.

Miroku was wrong, plainly Kazanna opening now would be a mercy.

Under an onslaught of such preposterously ridiculous misfortunes culminating in such a sudden way, Miroku finally broke down and did something he hadn't done in a long long time.

With a great histrionic display of emotion Miroku sat down in the forest without preamble, not five feet from Kagome, and sobbed. I mean loud, hair pulling, teeth gnashing, clothing clutching, chest pounding blubbering, as to put any Greek woman to shame. In recorded history there have only been five instances of a Japanese man ever coming close to this level of mourning. Suffice it to say the most immediate and concerning of these instances was 500 years in the past about 2 li south of the center of the Musashi Province.

By the time Kagome pulled herself out of the spring and emerged clothed from behind a nearby bush, Miroku was only emitting sporadic whimpers. Think along the lines of a kicked puppy and you'd be close enough for government work.

Karma was a funny thing, one minute you're swindling a wealthy landowner the next minute the love of your life is getting it on with a half youkai in the forest. Miroku wondered at exactly what point in time his life had dissolved into a gaping pit of despair. He also wondered why it was that he was seeing red, although angry he had really always believed that the whole 'seeing red' thing was just a figure of speech. The red tint, he decided, was probably somehow related to the sharp pain on his forehead or the not insignificant ache radiating from his nose.

"Miroku! Why are you sitting on the ground bleeding? A-are you crying?!"

Oh well that would certainly explain some things.

"Oh my gosh, are you ok?"

Miroku looked up from his spot on the ground and gave Kagome a watery smile.

"Ah I'm fine Kagome-sama, I seem to have had an altercation with this tree over here," he said, indicating the low hanging branch to his right, "and came out with the short end of the stick, so to speak." Or at least that's what he meant to say- what came out was a bit horse with sharp consonants transformed into an assortment of d's and b's.

Kagome groaned and shook her head. "Miroku-sama, that was the worst pun I've ever heard." She giggled a bit anyway sufficiently assured that the monk was not too injured.

Miroku gave an apologetic shrug. " Don't be so judgmental, I think I may have damaged my brain."

Kagome scoffed." If you can weather Sango's Hiraikotsu without injury, I certainly think there isn't much chance that walking into a tree is going to cause permanent damage."

Miroku's grin faded, leaving a puzzled Kagome and a rather forlorn Miroku.

As Miroku walked along side Kagome he was faced with a moral dilemma; now Miroku was not generally the sort to worry about things like morals, but when it came to hurting someone close to him, well that was a different story altogether. He could imagine that as great as his own feelings of hurt and betrayal, they would be twice as great for Kagome.

"Hypothetically…" He started and then cleared his throat. Maybe he really shouldn't say anything; perhaps Inuyasha or Sango ought to be the ones to explain themselves. Miroku was more than a little afraid of Kagome when she was mad- the other likely response to the – crying- was likewise unappealing.

"Hmm? Hypothetically what?" Kagome prompted when Miroku seemed to trail off without much inclination of continuing.

Too late.

" Ah, yes. Suppose you had a friend that loved another friend but that friend was actually in love with a third friend…" Miroku trailed off.

Kagome narrowed her eyes and peered at the monk walking besides her slantwise over the bridge of her nose.

"Hypothetically" Miroku suddenly interjected emphatically.

"Hypothetically." Kagome repeated with a much clearer idea as to the whereabouts of her missing Shoujo manga.

So far Kagome seemed not to be reacting to poorly, Miroku pressed on.

"Would you tell that friend?"

Kagome had lost track of which friend was which and as this line of questioning was really more akin to something Eri would come up with, Kagome responded by pulling Miroku down to chest level and inspecting his head for bumps.

"Maybe you **do** have some brain damage." Kagome mused aloud.

Miroku let a strangled noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl and reached up to grab Kagome's wayward hands resulting in a strange parody of Miroku's typical posture for asking 'the question'. Yes I'm sure by now we all know to what question I refer without further elaboration, this stance –as we will see- only served to deepen Kagome's misunderstanding as the next words out of Miroku's mouth went exactly something like this.

" Do you know what oral sex is?"

At which point Kagome's eyes grew large as saucers and her face took on a shade startlingly similar to the color of Inuyasha's hoari.

For several seconds (trust me they felt like hours) even the sound of birds seemed to have ceased- as if the whole forest was holding its breath- or fleeing in terror, that was also a very likely scenario.

When Kagome finally found her voice, eyes darting madly, as this was often about the time that Inuyasha would arrive with an inventive swear to forcefully punctuate his belief in Kagome's disinterest, she squeaked some sounds that approximately meant to convey the message of " Hai, and I'm flattered but but but….ummmm."

Miroku had lapsed again into a sort of incoherent whimpering and pulled Kagome into a tight embrace. Oh boy did that not relieve Kagome's anxiety, and howdy. Tension like taut rubber bands might physically materialize at any moment.

"M-Miroku-sama, what…"

Were apparently the magic words to turn on the water works. Now I know what you're probably thinking, this doesn't seem like Miroku at all even given all the above events- soapy water and all…even if he's not the type to get confrontational until his emotions are in check, why oh why is he not off by himself somewhere meditating over the proper course but instead crying all over Kagome? I'll tell you why…in two words, no less.

Brain Damage.

Kagome was both decidedly confused and uncomfortable- and with a strange penchant towards the empathetic starting to lean towards the sniffly as well. Surely this would be the moment Inuyasha would burst through the bushes, tear the embracing pair apart with angry rejoinders, at which point Kagome could sit' him and everything would be back to normal. Kagome stood in Miroku's embrace, wet tears washing down her neck, essentially in the middle of nowhere, and there was no Inuyasha. Kagome was beginning to grow concerned- no she had been concerned before- alarmed would be a better description- and alarmed was starting to verge on panic, because she had never been so acutely aware of how very tall and how very male Miroku was. There was the setting-almost romantic-, there was the strange conversation- almost a confession-, there was the question –almost a proposition-, and then there was a the embrace and more confusing the crying.

Panic had set in, Kagome struggled, no dice. She could hear her heart thudding noisily in her ears, it was getting difficult to breath, and really at this point she would have done almost anything to escape this very strange and uncertain place.

Which is exactly what she did…well not anything…she did something very specific.

Kagome closed her eyes, well really less closed as clamped shut.

She swallowed nervously exactly three times, each swallow becoming successively more difficult.

She flicked her tongue out and wet her lips, which was a feat in and of itself as her mouth had gone terribly dry.

She clenched and unclenched her hands exactly three times and then wiped her suddenly excessively sweaty palms on the hem of her skirt.

With a jerky motion she turned her head and placed an open mouth kiss to the pulse point of Miroku's throat and fumbled weekly with the front of his robe in a panic induced attempt to gain entrance- which was fairly ineffectual at best.

It will come, possibly, as a shock that Inuyasha nor Sango appeared to interrupt this little interlude; in fact I will skip ahead to assure you neither Inuyasha or Sango are in any state to interrupt anybody.

This did in fact have the desired effect in that the monk sucked in an impossibly large amount of air halting his dry sobs and took and almost horrified step away from Kagome. He did however file away all this for future further evaluation.

Kagome was struck by how suddenly bright the forest appeared and how like the feeling of running with scissors this whole experience was.

Until Miroku opened his mouth and began to recount the events he had witnessed, at which point the running with scissors feeling had morphed into falling with scissors.

By the time Miroku and Kagome stumbled back into Keade's hut the moon had risen and the cheerful din of the forest had mellowed to the faint hum of cicades and lonely grasshoppers. Keade and Shippou sonorously lent their own voices to the chorus, in sleep.

Inuyasha and Sango were conspicuously absent.

Kagome looked uncertain as to whether she should stay as an act of solidarity or leave. Miroku seemed to be wresting with the same dilemma, as regardless there was still Naraku to contend with and shards to collect. Visions of continuing the quest alone with Kagome flashed in brief succession- which were fine as fuel for those 'meditation exercises' but not necessarily effective otherwise and that's tacking it for granted that Kagome could be cajoled into spending any significant time alone with Miroku; in light of the ensuing embarrassment from today's little debacle in the forest that possibility was creeping precariously close to the category of "no way in Buddha's great green earth."

Finally Inuyasha and Sango once again grace the stage of this farce with their presence. Inuyasha was shoved rudely from behind into the center of the room, his appearance an impossible combination, of anger and mortification bound together with suspiciously tussled hair. Sango lent wearily on the lintel of the door, pale in the moonlight, equally tussled.

Miroku and Kagome said nothing.

Sango and Inuyasha said nothing.

Inyasha's ears pinned so tightly to his skull that it appeared as if he had no ears at all.

The silence stretched on into halls of oblivion.

How does this end, I bet you think that this couldn't be explained rationally in two words. Well you're right, while there was an explanation, and it could be summed in two words- the train to logic land derailed somewhere outside of redicoulousville.

Sango locked Miroku with a look that clearly said "I'm sorry you're such an idiotic pervert, but boy are you gonna feel stupid…"

Inuyasha peered cautiously out from under his bangs at Kagome his look pleaded something more like "Don't fucking say it, and please please please you've got to believe me…"

Harold Pinter was close to digging his way completely out of his grave at this point, when the silence was finally broken.

Two voices at different levels of intensity echoed "Snake bite."

Miroku fainted.

Kagome with a bizarre amalgam of emotions that will hereto be referred to reliangity, snacked her bag, narrowed her eyes, smiled screamed "osuwari!" kicked an unconscious Miroku exactly three times in the head and stormed out of the hut, stopping mid-stride to inform Sango that she would be back in the morning.

Miroku smiled in his sleep.

The END

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A/N: Thanks for your patience- thanks for reading and please review.

edited- special thanks to Mellea for correctly pointing out that it's Harold Pinter not Henry...I have no idea what I was thinking- also if you're really keeping track Harold Pinter is not dead nor is he buried.


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